If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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