His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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