I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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