A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
