So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
