I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
