went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
