In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I deserve this hangover.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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