WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Where is the hickey?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
