There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
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so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win