I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
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who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The Olympian is in my bed
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.