Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.