im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.