I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
