I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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