Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
