i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
