im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
