I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
