I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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