i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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