i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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