I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
