don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hello my rib-scented angel!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
