just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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