If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
