My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
