Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
