Is it because I queefed?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
