you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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