I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
