He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
my liver is dry heaving
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
