apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
