if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.