I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight