I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
