As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
