dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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