Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
so much tequila, so little girl.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
