Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
