All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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