Can Purell be used as lube?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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