My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
PANTIES FOUND
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
