someone threw a dead crab at me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
