I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
