If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
