you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
