I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
