What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
