I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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