4 words: hood of his car
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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