I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened