no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.