Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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