I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
