turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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