im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize