I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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