we have pet lesbian snakes
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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