Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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