I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
