My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
