Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
