You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
