All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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